ok i couldnt resist
i just read my lg newsletter, and even though all hallowed's eve is over, i thought i should post this anyways...maybe fo' next year...k, hear it is:
Fright is just accelerated excitement.
-- Bat Boy
Hello, Ghosts and Goblins!
It’s me, Bat Boy - your not-so-friendly neighborhood bat that you read about in all those tabloids your momma buys! Since it’s Halloween, I thought I’d murder the LG staff with my sharp teeth so that I may send you a special Halloween guide for preparing for those pesky trick or treaters!
Now, me being only 5-years-old and immensely evil, I don’t like to give candy to all the little kids who dare to come up to my scary old mansion in Transylvania. I like to trick them! And oh dandy hot momma do I like to trick them!
Here is Bat Boy’s Official Guide for Welcoming Trick or Treaters!
When giving out Apples Laced with Sharp Razors: Make sure you give them to the kids whose heads aren’t more than 7-inches wide. The kid’s head must be as small as possible if the razor is to slice through his or her cute little skull.
I like to invite Trick or Treaters into my house. They are way more murderable when they’re standing in your foyer as opposed to outside where everybody can see you. And plus, have you ever tried to clean blood off a cement sidewalk? It’s a bitch!
Your house looks more frightening with scary Halloween decorations. Now I’m not talking about that cheap crap you buy at the super market - that stuff’s for amateurs. I’m talking about decorations that will make little kids crap their pants. Literally. Check this: After you ruthlessly murder a trick or treater, hang them from one of the trees in your front yard. Slice open their stomachs and make their intestines drip out for effect. It will not only look cool, you’ll have a Trophy Tree of sorts to show off to Dracula, Werewolf Man, Eddie Munster, and Frankenstein when they come to your house for dinner.
Murdering your Trick or Treaters might seem a little too much for most of you human folk, so how about giving the little kids some Pot Brownies. Now I know what you’re saying: little kids aren’t supposed to eat the homemade food they receive -- but these are Pot Brownies! Who doesn’t like brownies that are laced with the latest hydroponic that’s going around!?! Don’t like putting drugs in your brownies? Then look back at Tip #1 - razor blades!
If you refuse to do any of the above, at least give the little kids a big candy bar -- not that little crap candy that all cheap families give out every year.
Love,
Bat Boy Blood Sucker/Eddie Clontz
Fright is just accelerated excitement.
-- Bat Boy
Hello, Ghosts and Goblins!
It’s me, Bat Boy - your not-so-friendly neighborhood bat that you read about in all those tabloids your momma buys! Since it’s Halloween, I thought I’d murder the LG staff with my sharp teeth so that I may send you a special Halloween guide for preparing for those pesky trick or treaters!
Now, me being only 5-years-old and immensely evil, I don’t like to give candy to all the little kids who dare to come up to my scary old mansion in Transylvania. I like to trick them! And oh dandy hot momma do I like to trick them!
Here is Bat Boy’s Official Guide for Welcoming Trick or Treaters!
When giving out Apples Laced with Sharp Razors: Make sure you give them to the kids whose heads aren’t more than 7-inches wide. The kid’s head must be as small as possible if the razor is to slice through his or her cute little skull.
I like to invite Trick or Treaters into my house. They are way more murderable when they’re standing in your foyer as opposed to outside where everybody can see you. And plus, have you ever tried to clean blood off a cement sidewalk? It’s a bitch!
Your house looks more frightening with scary Halloween decorations. Now I’m not talking about that cheap crap you buy at the super market - that stuff’s for amateurs. I’m talking about decorations that will make little kids crap their pants. Literally. Check this: After you ruthlessly murder a trick or treater, hang them from one of the trees in your front yard. Slice open their stomachs and make their intestines drip out for effect. It will not only look cool, you’ll have a Trophy Tree of sorts to show off to Dracula, Werewolf Man, Eddie Munster, and Frankenstein when they come to your house for dinner.
Murdering your Trick or Treaters might seem a little too much for most of you human folk, so how about giving the little kids some Pot Brownies. Now I know what you’re saying: little kids aren’t supposed to eat the homemade food they receive -- but these are Pot Brownies! Who doesn’t like brownies that are laced with the latest hydroponic that’s going around!?! Don’t like putting drugs in your brownies? Then look back at Tip #1 - razor blades!
If you refuse to do any of the above, at least give the little kids a big candy bar -- not that little crap candy that all cheap families give out every year.
Love,
Bat Boy Blood Sucker/Eddie Clontz
posted by liz at 5:05 AM
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