AAGGG if i am not already mad it is most certainly not mercy

i think...as soon as i have enough money and am old enough i am moving to the remotest place in southern continental u.s and buying two hundred acres and becoming a recluse. yep. i want to do what i do any other time but this would be the last major; ill just turn my back on my problems and pretend they never existed. the world will go on and ill go back into decadence..ill have the sky to myself, ill be able to think, and maybe ill go insane so ill forget about humanity and how soory they are. life with it just doesnt seem good to me..ill forget about all those whom i cant love, and even if i dont..ill live.
but if i do that the love would gnaw and gnaw until i became so guilt ridden id have to show up again, only to find the world has gone beyond forgetting me and/or has left or died. ill live beyond thirty; everything will be wasted, and anybody who remembers me will want nothing to do with.

so ill be crushed again. the puree that is my heart will be shoved back into the garbage disposal.


maybe things do go in cycles..or maybe the fates are serious when it comes to what they do

some things to think about. i believe now that you cant escape 'fate', so dont try to or you'll end up like me.